venusgypsy











{July 10, 2013}   chaos…

I don’t know the words. Dont know how to explain the hell I am in. It switches on and off. No pattern, no warning. My chest gets tight and my heart beats hard and fast. My throat closes up and I can’t speak. My face gets hot, and I hear a loud noise, a combination of ringing and white noise. I am paralyzed, by fear? Guilt? Dread? I can’t leave the house. The only way to avoid it is to sleep. 24 hours a day if I can. I would rather die than live like this forever. (But hey, I said the same thing when I had chickenpox…)



{April 5, 2013}   My best friend…

We became friends when we were fourteen. Raised our children together. Took care of each other. She was closer to me than anyone, before or since. She’ funny, and even better, she thinks I’m funny!!! Well, sometimes… She has got a monster temper that is super scary, but she is a strong smart independent woman that doesn’t take any shit. She’s beautiful, magnetic when she laughs. She’s got this way about her, hard to explain. Like an aloofness, coupled with a look that says I know all your secrets…. and your gonna earn mine.
She is so creative. She can do or make anything. She was pinterest before Al Gore created the internet.
She is an unbelievable mother. She is a working single mother of two and puts all of the stay at home gossipy moms I see at the park to shame.
Her daughter is a vision. Graduating this year. I can’t believe how time flies… So much like her momma, but becoming her own woman and the future holds only greatness.

My best friend has been there for every major moment of my life. Every time I have reached for her she has been there. I know that’s hard to believe, we are all human, and busy, right? I call her name and she is there, just like that. Still, after all these years.

The last time I saw her was at my mothers funeral, a year ago. Leaving my comfort zone causes panic attacks so I make plans to go see her and then cancel. I cannot talk on the phone due to anxiety, so I don’t call her. Very rarely she takes a chance and try to call me. 98% of the time I watch my phone ring without answering. The few times I have answered, I talk really fast, and as I get more and more panicked, I make an excuse to hang up, say I’ll call back, and don’t.

Everyte things are rough for her, like they are now, I just sit for long periods, stuck in my head again. I replay in my mind all the times she’s been there for me. I look back on the cloud PJs¬† and the Ryan Brian, and the shelf she painted for our bathroom that matched our shower curtain so well. How did she do that?

I say, I’ll be there in ten minutes. I’ll take the kids out so you can relax. I’ll pay for everything. I’ll cook and clean. I’ll kick her ass for you. I’ll really kick his as for you. I’ll fix your car, remodel your bathroom. Ill grow “brews itself” coffee beans under your kitchen window. I’ll turn down the heat of the sun so you can hold it in your hand. I’ll fix everything. I’ll make you smile.

But I don’t do any of that. The best I got is a text saying “how ya doin?”. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. God, forgive me…

You know what she says when I offer my feeble apologies?

I understand.



et cetera