{May 26, 2013}   I am alone….

Someone single said that she is miserable.  When I asked why, she said she is tired and alone.  I immediately responded “Me too.”

I am married, I have three kids.  I am completely alone.  My husband works so much he doesn’t recognize his children.  My best friend from childhood is far away and unreachable for many reasons.  No Dad, Mom, siblings.  No friends.

So here I sit, broken hearted….

Is there anyone out there?  Call me, lets get together….

I want to go up in a hot air balloon…

Fly in a helicopter…



Hunt (this fall/winter will be my first bow hunt.  Anyone in WI or IL know a place to hunt?)

I want to own a horse.  Love her, groom her, feed her, ride her.

I want to learn to paint, create…

I want to drive, fast, oh so fast, race someone else and kick fucking ass…

I want to take my big bad powerful pretty truck and drive it sideways through the mud…

I want to meet a man who becomes my friend, and at some point, needs me, cant keep his hands off of me, completely loses control.

I want a second chance with my mother.  I love you Mamma…


I sit in my bed alone. The silence makes the inside of my ears hot. My eyes burn and water, pushed beyond endurance.

All I see are the yesterdays, all the shadowy days I try to hide from myself, lest they emerge and tear my mind asunder.

But they are here now. If I do not face them one by one, as I have in the past, they will just get louder and uglier, and more truthful.

I just wish I didn’t have to go through it alone.  The very few people I have, can not stand witness to my never ending reals of memories, lest they realize that more than one of the acts committed herein has cast them in the role of victim.

{April 5, 2013}   My best friend…

We became friends when we were fourteen. Raised our children together. Took care of each other. She was closer to me than anyone, before or since. She’ funny, and even better, she thinks I’m funny!!! Well, sometimes… She has got a monster temper that is super scary, but she is a strong smart independent woman that doesn’t take any shit. She’s beautiful, magnetic when she laughs. She’s got this way about her, hard to explain. Like an aloofness, coupled with a look that says I know all your secrets…. and your gonna earn mine.
She is so creative. She can do or make anything. She was pinterest before Al Gore created the internet.
She is an unbelievable mother. She is a working single mother of two and puts all of the stay at home gossipy moms I see at the park to shame.
Her daughter is a vision. Graduating this year. I can’t believe how time flies… So much like her momma, but becoming her own woman and the future holds only greatness.

My best friend has been there for every major moment of my life. Every time I have reached for her she has been there. I know that’s hard to believe, we are all human, and busy, right? I call her name and she is there, just like that. Still, after all these years.

The last time I saw her was at my mothers funeral, a year ago. Leaving my comfort zone causes panic attacks so I make plans to go see her and then cancel. I cannot talk on the phone due to anxiety, so I don’t call her. Very rarely she takes a chance and try to call me. 98% of the time I watch my phone ring without answering. The few times I have answered, I talk really fast, and as I get more and more panicked, I make an excuse to hang up, say I’ll call back, and don’t.

Everyte things are rough for her, like they are now, I just sit for long periods, stuck in my head again. I replay in my mind all the times she’s been there for me. I look back on the cloud PJs  and the Ryan Brian, and the shelf she painted for our bathroom that matched our shower curtain so well. How did she do that?

I say, I’ll be there in ten minutes. I’ll take the kids out so you can relax. I’ll pay for everything. I’ll cook and clean. I’ll kick her ass for you. I’ll really kick his as for you. I’ll fix your car, remodel your bathroom. Ill grow “brews itself” coffee beans under your kitchen window. I’ll turn down the heat of the sun so you can hold it in your hand. I’ll fix everything. I’ll make you smile.

But I don’t do any of that. The best I got is a text saying “how ya doin?”. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. God, forgive me…

You know what she says when I offer my feeble apologies?

I understand.

et cetera