venusgypsy











{July 10, 2013}   chaos…

I don’t know the words. Dont know how to explain the hell I am in. It switches on and off. No pattern, no warning. My chest gets tight and my heart beats hard and fast. My throat closes up and I can’t speak. My face gets hot, and I hear a loud noise, a combination of ringing and white noise. I am paralyzed, by fear? Guilt? Dread? I can’t leave the house. The only way to avoid it is to sleep. 24 hours a day if I can. I would rather die than live like this forever. (But hey, I said the same thing when I had chickenpox…)

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{May 26, 2013}   I am alone….

Someone single said that she is miserable.  When I asked why, she said she is tired and alone.  I immediately responded “Me too.”

I am married, I have three kids.  I am completely alone.  My husband works so much he doesn’t recognize his children.  My best friend from childhood is far away and unreachable for many reasons.  No Dad, Mom, siblings.  No friends.

So here I sit, broken hearted….

Is there anyone out there?  Call me, lets get together….

I want to go up in a hot air balloon…

Fly in a helicopter…

Skydive…

Scubadive…

Hunt (this fall/winter will be my first bow hunt.  Anyone in WI or IL know a place to hunt?)

I want to own a horse.  Love her, groom her, feed her, ride her.

I want to learn to paint, create…

I want to drive, fast, oh so fast, race someone else and kick fucking ass…

I want to take my big bad powerful pretty truck and drive it sideways through the mud…

I want to meet a man who becomes my friend, and at some point, needs me, cant keep his hands off of me, completely loses control.

I want a second chance with my mother.  I love you Mamma…



{May 7, 2013}   End of the day…

My princess is in bed, exhausted from the days activities. My older daughter is sprawled across the couch, watching one of the many reality shows she likes. My son in enjoying a day off, waiting for his girlfriend to come over and watch a movie.

I am sitting outside, enjoying the cool air on my skin, watching the sunset, and for once enjoying the birdsong, instead of plotting their death for pooping all over my deck.

At this moment, I am content. Fatigued from playing and shopping and planting. (Notice I didn’t say cleaning. As if.)

At this moment, I love myself. I realize how hard I’ve worked to get here. I’m patting myself on the back for all of my accomplishments, my courage, my ability to laugh, when things are bad. My capacity for love.

At this moment, I’m focusing on now, and I’ve decided its a pretty good place to be.



I sit in my bed alone. The silence makes the inside of my ears hot. My eyes burn and water, pushed beyond endurance.

All I see are the yesterdays, all the shadowy days I try to hide from myself, lest they emerge and tear my mind asunder.

But they are here now. If I do not face them one by one, as I have in the past, they will just get louder and uglier, and more truthful.

I just wish I didn’t have to go through it alone.  The very few people I have, can not stand witness to my never ending reals of memories, lest they realize that more than one of the acts committed herein has cast them in the role of victim.



{April 15, 2013}   How did I get here?

How did I get here? Right now, this moment. Sitting at the kitchen table, alone, silence so loud my ears are ringing. Not happy, not sad, or angry or bored or ashamed? In this moment, who am I, and how did I get here?

A series of moments, a series of decisions…. my decisions and those of others. My father stabbing my mother in the head with scissors.  Going to work with my mother when she was young and beautiful. She was an aerobics instructor and I sat on the weight bench and ate grapes.

New house… dad at the door with flowers, red roses. Mom likes yellow. We don’t open the door for daddy anymore. We hide and cry in the bedroom.

Days of Our Lives… I was named after Rachel Cory. I remember when Mac died. I think that’s when botox was invented, Cuz Bo and Hope still look the same.

Eating McDonalds on the porch in the rain. I think that was the only childhood memory I have where my older brother wasn’t a total jerk. I love him so much. He’s so far away from me now. I haven’t heard his voice in a year. Only one letter…

When I was seven, things got crazy. I took a bunch of tests, pictures on cards, a string of beads. I spelled thermos and they said I was gifted. New kids, new class. Only I was too smart for my friends, and too dumb for the new kids. There was a lot of room at my lunch table.

The teacher told me not to hold the jar of paint by the lid…

I had to go so bad…

My mom met a man with a red face. He smiled too much. I drew him a picture.

I guess that’s not how I got here, to this silent kitchen.

But that was the beginning…



{April 15, 2013}   “She’s Gay”

Picture this… Your having lunch with your coworker, and she says the following…

“So I went to get my nails done the other day with Laura, she’s gay. Anyway, we went to this new salon. You should try it out.

OK
Let’s try a few others…

She has a hammer toe,
She snores,
She grows vidalia onions,
She was born in Nebraska,
Her first car was a Mercury Topaz,
She likes Starbucks,
She has a mole behind her right ear,

Why do we have to say “she’s gay”, or “he’s black” for that matter? Why do we have to say, “she’s a democrat”? (Just kidding, I know that last one is worth pointing out). “She’s bipolar”? The above is what I call “passive prejudice”.

In some conversations its appropriate, I guess.  But let’s all be a little more careful choosing the verbage and context. I’m just saying…

Show some RESPECT to your brothers and sisters. Cuz that’s what we all are…. FAMILY

I love you all, regardless of the color of your skin, who you love, who you worship, what is your mental or physical condition, or who you vote for.

But really… Democrat????? Really????



My mom came to visit me today. She was behind me by or on the couch. I think she just stopped by to check in, I didn’t feel any urgency in her visit. She was laughing at my feeble attempt at painting.  She always laughs at you, not with you. It used to make me so mad, but now I realize she does it not out of meanness, but to entertain herself. Well, maybe a little out of meanness. God knows, she’s got enough of that to go around.

I told her I was sorry the kids were not home, the are more entertaining than I. She held the ladder for me when I almost fell and rolled her eyes dramatically I’m sure. Pointing out my mistakes again, so like her.

I told her I was sorry I didn’t invite her over more when she was alive, but we both know if she hadn’t died, she still wouldn’t be visiting. Her fault and mine I guess.

There were times in my life when I laid in bed and examined myself, wondering if I even loved her. But I knew, deep down, she always loved me. Maybe more than anyone. I only felt that occasionally, however. She was nuts. Like me. Thanks Mom.

Now I know. I love her and she loves me. Theres no crap to get in the way now. She still laughs at me and acts holier than thou, but shes been to heaven, so I guess I’ll let that pass. For now…



I took my dog to the groomer today and he looks worse than he did when I dropped him off…

I’m disgusted with my husband. I don’t even want to look at him, but I’m definitely in the mood for a horizontal mambo…

I spent the last ten years wishing my son and I could communicate. Now I can’t find ear plugs strong enough to drown him out…

I would love to have another baby. But I wish there was no jail time involved in dropping my current three off at the fire station…

Yesterday was the day of my fathers birth. I was hoping it was going to be the day of his death. (Lord forgive me).

I told my husband I wanted to turn the office into a room just for me, to have some alone time.  He is all of a sudden working hard on it, “because he wants me to be happy”.

Hmmmm…



{April 8, 2013}   My husband…

My husband very rarely does anything around here. Granted, he works hard and long, and I am grateful for everything he does to provide for our family. And I love being a stay at home mom. In all reality, I just love being a mom in general.

But when its time for dinner, I cook.  When its bath time, I start the water, test the temp, and pour in the bubble bath with whatever cartoon character is currently popular on the front.

When the tears flow, I kiss owies and calm fears. And I always stand at the bottom of the slide to catch you on your way down.

When its time for homework I read about Columbus and help grow bacteria in petri dishes.  If your having a hard time with math, instead of giving you a little lost puppy face, I will happily type “how to do fractions” in the internet search field.

I zip up coats, pack lunch boxes, and sign field trip forms. I have hand sanitizer in my purse and wet wipes in my car. I always check to see if your shoes are on the right feet BEFORE I check to see if mine are.

My husband rarely does any of this.

So tonight, I’m tired. I tell my daughter that daddy is putting her to bed tonight. I lay there, and across the hall I hear him reading her a story.

I relax back into my pillow, jealous Cuz he stole my job.



{April 8, 2013}   The sun is peaking through…

Not literally…

My princess just climbed up on the couch next to me and sat there silently pinning me with what I think she assumed was a “mean” look. I looked at her for a minute and I said “your not really scary you know.”

She growls at me “I’m a dragon”.

Her hair is curling from her recent bath. She’s wearing hot pink Disney princess pj’s’ and smacking on pink bubblegum…

I say, “Dragons are pretty scary…”



et cetera