venusgypsy











{July 10, 2013}   chaos…

I don’t know the words. Dont know how to explain the hell I am in. It switches on and off. No pattern, no warning. My chest gets tight and my heart beats hard and fast. My throat closes up and I can’t speak. My face gets hot, and I hear a loud noise, a combination of ringing and white noise. I am paralyzed, by fear? Guilt? Dread? I can’t leave the house. The only way to avoid it is to sleep. 24 hours a day if I can. I would rather die than live like this forever. (But hey, I said the same thing when I had chickenpox…)

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{May 26, 2013}   I am alone….

Someone single said that she is miserable.  When I asked why, she said she is tired and alone.  I immediately responded “Me too.”

I am married, I have three kids.  I am completely alone.  My husband works so much he doesn’t recognize his children.  My best friend from childhood is far away and unreachable for many reasons.  No Dad, Mom, siblings.  No friends.

So here I sit, broken hearted….

Is there anyone out there?  Call me, lets get together….

I want to go up in a hot air balloon…

Fly in a helicopter…

Skydive…

Scubadive…

Hunt (this fall/winter will be my first bow hunt.  Anyone in WI or IL know a place to hunt?)

I want to own a horse.  Love her, groom her, feed her, ride her.

I want to learn to paint, create…

I want to drive, fast, oh so fast, race someone else and kick fucking ass…

I want to take my big bad powerful pretty truck and drive it sideways through the mud…

I want to meet a man who becomes my friend, and at some point, needs me, cant keep his hands off of me, completely loses control.

I want a second chance with my mother.  I love you Mamma…



I sit in my bed alone. The silence makes the inside of my ears hot. My eyes burn and water, pushed beyond endurance.

All I see are the yesterdays, all the shadowy days I try to hide from myself, lest they emerge and tear my mind asunder.

But they are here now. If I do not face them one by one, as I have in the past, they will just get louder and uglier, and more truthful.

I just wish I didn’t have to go through it alone.  The very few people I have, can not stand witness to my never ending reals of memories, lest they realize that more than one of the acts committed herein has cast them in the role of victim.



Well, I’m not walking on sunshine. Yet. But I fell it coming. I’m on what I call an upswing… I hope.

Last night I had a dream that some brigands broke into my room to kidnap/rescue me. Apparently I am an extremely valued Princess in their far away kingdom, and I have been hidden here in this small Midwestern town until it was safe enough for me to return to rule over my people.

The leader of this group of virile, angry, men, never tells me his name. But I’ll just say it, he’s hot. He’s always sneaking these heated stolen glances at me, even as we are fighting for our live to escape my captors. Hmmmm, I know that look.  I decide to test my theory and I approach him. As I get closer he senses my intentions and gives me a scathing look, full of disgust. But I am undeterred. As I cross the final few feet into his space that smells like sweat and leather, I wake up.

Shit. Oh well, maybe there was some intergalactic battle taking place and they needed to seek wisdom for holographic Yoda. They’ll be back. I’ll be ready. Maybe the red corset from Fredericks I’ve never worn? I hope its not too uncomfortable to sleep in… I’ll have to think this over…



{April 3, 2013}   Missing…

I’m sorry I haven’t written. There hasn’t been much to say. I’ve been in bed. Just sleeping. Blessed nothingness. When I’m awake I hear the music again. The same repetitive couple of notes I’ve and over again. Sweet sound. Only a mind fuck due to the reputation.  I apolodize for the brevity of this post. I am just non existent currently.



et cetera