venusgypsy











{July 10, 2013}   chaos…

I don’t know the words. Dont know how to explain the hell I am in. It switches on and off. No pattern, no warning. My chest gets tight and my heart beats hard and fast. My throat closes up and I can’t speak. My face gets hot, and I hear a loud noise, a combination of ringing and white noise. I am paralyzed, by fear? Guilt? Dread? I can’t leave the house. The only way to avoid it is to sleep. 24 hours a day if I can. I would rather die than live like this forever. (But hey, I said the same thing when I had chickenpox…)



{May 26, 2013}   I am alone….

Someone single said that she is miserable.  When I asked why, she said she is tired and alone.  I immediately responded “Me too.”

I am married, I have three kids.  I am completely alone.  My husband works so much he doesn’t recognize his children.  My best friend from childhood is far away and unreachable for many reasons.  No Dad, Mom, siblings.  No friends.

So here I sit, broken hearted….

Is there anyone out there?  Call me, lets get together….

I want to go up in a hot air balloon…

Fly in a helicopter…

Skydive…

Scubadive…

Hunt (this fall/winter will be my first bow hunt.  Anyone in WI or IL know a place to hunt?)

I want to own a horse.  Love her, groom her, feed her, ride her.

I want to learn to paint, create…

I want to drive, fast, oh so fast, race someone else and kick fucking ass…

I want to take my big bad powerful pretty truck and drive it sideways through the mud…

I want to meet a man who becomes my friend, and at some point, needs me, cant keep his hands off of me, completely loses control.

I want a second chance with my mother.  I love you Mamma…



My mom came to visit me today. She was behind me by or on the couch. I think she just stopped by to check in, I didn’t feel any urgency in her visit. She was laughing at my feeble attempt at painting.  She always laughs at you, not with you. It used to make me so mad, but now I realize she does it not out of meanness, but to entertain herself. Well, maybe a little out of meanness. God knows, she’s got enough of that to go around.

I told her I was sorry the kids were not home, the are more entertaining than I. She held the ladder for me when I almost fell and rolled her eyes dramatically I’m sure. Pointing out my mistakes again, so like her.

I told her I was sorry I didn’t invite her over more when she was alive, but we both know if she hadn’t died, she still wouldn’t be visiting. Her fault and mine I guess.

There were times in my life when I laid in bed and examined myself, wondering if I even loved her. But I knew, deep down, she always loved me. Maybe more than anyone. I only felt that occasionally, however. She was nuts. Like me. Thanks Mom.

Now I know. I love her and she loves me. Theres no crap to get in the way now. She still laughs at me and acts holier than thou, but shes been to heaven, so I guess I’ll let that pass. For now…



et cetera