{July 11, 2013}   Easy there Killer…

I just opened a packet of energy powder that you mix into a water bottle. On the side of the box it says “Great cor use on the go when your climbing a mountain”. WTF?????

I don’t want to climb a mountain, unless the mountain they are referring to is “laundry mountain”, so my kids have clean underwear. In addition if I did spontaneously decide to tackle Mt. Everest after Maury, I seriously doubt this little drink is going to give me the energy to do it. I doubt this little drink would give me the energy needed to climb the hill down the street.

And really, do actual mountain climbers get energy drink packets from Walmart in order to reach the summit? I think not.

But just in case, if I ever meet a mountain climber, ill ask them and let you know.

Maybe ill run into one in the powdered energy drink isle on my next trip to Walmart.

You never know….


{July 10, 2013}   chaos…

I don’t know the words. Dont know how to explain the hell I am in. It switches on and off. No pattern, no warning. My chest gets tight and my heart beats hard and fast. My throat closes up and I can’t speak. My face gets hot, and I hear a loud noise, a combination of ringing and white noise. I am paralyzed, by fear? Guilt? Dread? I can’t leave the house. The only way to avoid it is to sleep. 24 hours a day if I can. I would rather die than live like this forever. (But hey, I said the same thing when I had chickenpox…)

{June 19, 2013}   Good morning America!!!

No sleep last night. None. Nada. Zilch.


Yawning a lot, but I think its good to keep your jaw limber. Kind of like face yoga. Today my plan is to kill birds. They chirp incessantly.  I don’t even have any damn trees, so I know they are purposely tomenting me. Anyone have any c4 your not using? Maybe just sitting around waiting for that garage sale you never get around to? Give me a call…

Anyway, myoldest daughter is gong out with her friend today, so it will just be the princess and I. I’m looking forward to the break from the constant fighting!!! How my children manage to stay above ground is a mystery to me. Probably a mix of strategy, manipulation, and luck…

They arein bed stilI, hubby went to work. Even…

Scratch that. The princess just woke up and sheis very upset that its not Christmas. So I have to go put up my Christmas tree.

Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!

More people have seen my vagina than Mount Everest
…the Grand Canyon
… the Movie Titanic
…mugshots of Lindsay Lohan
…fake Santas
…their own face in the mirror
…licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop
…reality shows
…how many people have claimed to have invented the internet, including Al Gore
…how many people have had their children baptized, regardless of the fact they don’t believe in God.
…how many people hit the breaks when they see a cop car, even when they are allready doing the speed limit
…how many people have exercise equipment in the basement that they never use
…how many women wipe front to back
…how many people do the walk of shame on any given morning
…howmany people pick their nose and then do not dispose of the results appropriately
…how many people realize at some point that they truly do not like their children
… how many people emphatically tell you they like your new hair cut, in the hopes that you will continue to looks like a retard, thereby making themselves look more attractive in comparison
…how many people blow the most atrocious smelling farts, and even though you heard their butt vibration, and there are only the two of you in the car, they will look at you in innocent disgust and ask, “What is that smell?”

I think you get the point.

A lot of people have seen my vagina….

{May 26, 2013}   I am alone….

Someone single said that she is miserable.  When I asked why, she said she is tired and alone.  I immediately responded “Me too.”

I am married, I have three kids.  I am completely alone.  My husband works so much he doesn’t recognize his children.  My best friend from childhood is far away and unreachable for many reasons.  No Dad, Mom, siblings.  No friends.

So here I sit, broken hearted….

Is there anyone out there?  Call me, lets get together….

I want to go up in a hot air balloon…

Fly in a helicopter…



Hunt (this fall/winter will be my first bow hunt.  Anyone in WI or IL know a place to hunt?)

I want to own a horse.  Love her, groom her, feed her, ride her.

I want to learn to paint, create…

I want to drive, fast, oh so fast, race someone else and kick fucking ass…

I want to take my big bad powerful pretty truck and drive it sideways through the mud…

I want to meet a man who becomes my friend, and at some point, needs me, cant keep his hands off of me, completely loses control.

I want a second chance with my mother.  I love you Mamma…

{May 22, 2013}   Frog stew…

Its 230 am. I can’t sleep. The frogs and coyotes seem to think its a night at the Apollo. I don’t believe in killing animals unless you are going to eat them. So I’ve got my kimber warrior in my hand and I’m starting the grill. Top chef…

{May 7, 2013}   End of the day…

My princess is in bed, exhausted from the days activities. My older daughter is sprawled across the couch, watching one of the many reality shows she likes. My son in enjoying a day off, waiting for his girlfriend to come over and watch a movie.

I am sitting outside, enjoying the cool air on my skin, watching the sunset, and for once enjoying the birdsong, instead of plotting their death for pooping all over my deck.

At this moment, I am content. Fatigued from playing and shopping and planting. (Notice I didn’t say cleaning. As if.)

At this moment, I love myself. I realize how hard I’ve worked to get here. I’m patting myself on the back for all of my accomplishments, my courage, my ability to laugh, when things are bad. My capacity for love.

At this moment, I’m focusing on now, and I’ve decided its a pretty good place to be.

I sit in my bed alone. The silence makes the inside of my ears hot. My eyes burn and water, pushed beyond endurance.

All I see are the yesterdays, all the shadowy days I try to hide from myself, lest they emerge and tear my mind asunder.

But they are here now. If I do not face them one by one, as I have in the past, they will just get louder and uglier, and more truthful.

I just wish I didn’t have to go through it alone.  The very few people I have, can not stand witness to my never ending reals of memories, lest they realize that more than one of the acts committed herein has cast them in the role of victim.

{May 1, 2013}   Manic and drunk….

Thank you so much for coming to see me. I was waiting for you… I just got out of the shower. I wanted you to think I was sexy, beautiful.  I wanted you to want to fuck me.

I shaved EVERYTHING.  I fingered myself over and over but only ended up making myself come all down my legs. I painted my eyes black and my lips red, and rubbed my favorite fragrance all over my body.

My nipples are hard, anticipating your mouth. My clit is throbbing. Please hurry. Make me your whore.

I’m here. Waiting. For you… make me scream…..

I am manic. Have been manic for about two weeks. I went to my hairstylist and told her I’m ready to get crazy. She loves when I say that. Thankfully the weird chopping and stinky chemical I bombarded my hair with, I think I love. For real. But check back with me in a week.

Our camper needed to be rebuilt, and my husbands friend spent some time at our home helping with this project. Now, when I am manic I have an overwhelming desperation for men to find me attractive. Also, I become a slithering seductress with only one end game. Disgusting, I know.

So anyway, every time he came over we would exchange witty banter and maybe a few flirtasious comments, made in fun. When he was gone I would go into what would appear to be a woman contemplating the to-dos of the following day… when in my mind I was having sex with him everywhere, anywhere. Detail by detail the story unfolded for me and I would be stuck in my mind again, unable to break free, and honestly I don’t think I was trying too hard.

The next day I would walk out into the garage and give him one of those smiles, but I was abruptly reminded that he was not there.

I have not slept for three days.  And I’m taking my meds, so my symptoms are mild.

Before meds I would be flying high talking to Jesus in the morning, and seducing another one of his sons that night. I go out it what you could loosely call clothing, drink drugs sex and still be going when the sun rises. Feeling invincible… no regrets…

Truth is mania on meds is calmer, quieter. It allows me to avoid divorce court, the loss of my children, keep the remaining family and friend that I have left. It allows me to seem mentally healthy at parent teacher conferences etc. Etc. Blah blah blah

Truth…. sometimes I want it back. The out of control in your face energetic sassy happy girl dressed only to atrack men. Flying high, owning it, breaking every rule in sight.

Probably why people stop taking lithium. The highs oh they can be magical. Unfortunately the lows can end in suicide.

et cetera