venusgypsy











{March 31, 2013}   Castaway…

Tom Hanks plane went down, and he found himself alone on a deserted island. He had no food, water, sunscreen, or survival skills. No dentist in sight either (shudder). But not one of those things is what actually brought him so close to death.
We were not meant to be alone. The ability to connect to one another, to form relationships, that is what feeds us. That is what allows our spirit to survive, even under the harshest of conditions.
Enter Wilson… Wilson is supportive, an excellent listener, with a heart for forgiveness. His only flaw is that he has no limbs, so he cannot help with spear fishing or food gathering, or tooth extraction. But Tom looks past all that. Wilson fills the gaping painful hole in Toms heart, and for that feat alone he is loved.
Unfortunately, Wilson is taken away by a mistake, a current, a moment that can not be fixed or understood. Toms heart breaks, and throbs and the hole in his soul returns, bigger and more painful than ever before.
But that is the way of this life. A constant stream of pain, and loneliness. A hole in our soul. Empty.

Enter Jesus. I am not going to wax poetic. Or preach. I’ll just say this. Bidden or not bidden, God is present. He is there, right beside us, whether we want him there or not. He does not hold back his love because of our addictions, or failures. He is not asking you to stop drinking, whoring, gambling, or selling cars before you turn to him. He will take you as you are, no judgement, or to-do lists. And when you turn to him, he will fill that hole. He will never float away, if you decide to go swimming. He will help you fish, start fires, or just help you begin to heal from the holes poked in you throughout you past.

God works ALL things together for good, for those that love Him. Even the bad things.

He will never leave you. Ever.

And all He asks is for You to say, I know you’re there, and I’d like to have you tag along.

Who wants to be alone? He’ll be your Wilson, and so much more…

Happy Easter.



{March 31, 2013}   A day of duality…

I took my daughters swimming today. We get there and I take off my youngests layers. As she stands there in her bright colored, ruffled, striped little baby tankini, I turn to get her arm floaties out of the bag, and I hear a splash. I whip around in complete panic, and there she is. Swimming. Without floaties. Underwater, and fast. Like a beautiful high speed midget athlete. I want to jump in, save my baby from drowning, but she has somehow become strong, graceful. When she comes up for air, she looks right into my eyes. And I say ” you are amazing”. She seems validated by my praise and dives back down. My little princess, my fearless conquerer.
Then I played volleyball with my older daughter. She continued to win, she was beating my ass, truthfully, but since my mermaid princess was keeping score I was the official winner. Somehow I scored 100 every game. My daughter? Zero. Sometimes its all about effort, I told her. Hahaha!
Tomorrow is Easter. On of my favorite holidays. I go to church, sing my heart out, open my soul. I lay everything at his feet and accept his good ness and grace.
but this year there is a shadow, a place that was broken and now stands empty but throbbing in my heart. Last year, easter Sunday on my way home from church I received a text from my father, who I hadn’t seen since my mothers funeral. I took it as an olive branch. I thought he was saying everything was going to be OK. I later realized he was telling me goodbye.  I know that ride home from church tomorrow will be painful. I’ll be gripping my phone and remembering all that came before. But oh my… you should see my shoes…



{March 30, 2013}   I apologize…

I apologize if I offended anyone with my last post. I have “daydreams”, but not of the regular variety. Usually its a moment in my past that runs through my mind like a skipping record. Things is, it is very difficult to get out. I just sit there, inactive while my mind replays a scene, full of color and sound and I am trapped for a time. Sometimes these dreams are enjoyable for a time. Most are not. Inevitably they all become tortuous simply because they are repetitive and inescapable.
This time, I wrote it down. Then it let me go….



{March 30, 2013}   Ages 18 and over…

I take off my nightie as the fabric is uncomfortable against my skin. I’m feeling edgy, restless, needy. My hands take the place of the discarded fabric, and as I close my eyes, I begin to imagine them to be the hands of my lover, someone unknown to me, but someone who seems to know me. To hear my silent cries, and begins to answer them.
Your touch is pleasure and pain. Demanding. Forceful. As you seem to get bigger, stand taller, energized by the power you hold over me, I fall to my knees. As I bow my head, my secret smile emerges. I know the power has been mine all along. I allowed you to own it, for a time. But now, so easily, I pull it back. I touch you here, and that sound erupts from your lips. My mouth… You begin to shudder. I look into your eyes, and you know…
I take you up, and show you how bright the stars can be. I take you down, and roll your body through molten lava. I gather the light and the fire and hit you with it, with all the power within me, and you shatter. You shatter into a million pieces from the inside out, screaming my name. A name you will never, ever forget. As you begin to resurface, to remember to breathe, you reach for me. But I am gone…



{March 29, 2013}   Feeling crazy happy good…

Right now I feel like I could conquer the world. I’m dizzy and shaking from the electricity flowing through my veins. I’ve learned that most people with bipolar disorder have episodes a few times a year… Good or bad, as you can see from my posts, I am different weekly, daily, or from one moment to the next. I’m playing with my kids, taking out the garbage, doing laundry all at once. I feel like I am in fast forward. And I love it. Like a drug, my disorder gets me high. Like a lover, it embraces me and fills me with ecstacy. I dance in the front yard of my high brow suburban neighborhood like a highly experienced stripper, and I don’t care who sees.  But the urges are there, right under the surface, to engage in the behaviors of the past. Walk again down the stairway to rock bottom, where you lose everything.  I somehow clawed my way out of that abyss early last year. I was saved from being a body, without a soul. So now, as I bask in the glow of utter euphoria, I hunger. I want. But I won’t go back to that place. I can’t.



{March 29, 2013}   Sun will come out tommorow….

I woke up a bit ago and went outside. Its a beautiful day. First day of the year I’ve been able to sit in the morning sun in my fave spot.  “Soaking up the rays” my drunken sun loving father used to say before he disowned me after my mothers funeral.  Another story for another time… anyway, I went inside, did my makeup and hair, and put on my camo Real tree Girl sweatshirt. Odd combo, I know, but it works for me.  Now I’m back in my spot, listening to the birds, sun on my face.  My little princess is walking around the soon to be beautiful flowers, in a princess dress and plastic princess heels my son bought her for Christmas.  She’s got a red daisy in her hair. Its going to be a good day. I thank God for his Mercy.



{March 28, 2013}   Pissy as all hell…

I’m still in bed. This time not tired, but bored and irritated, so I’m watching my fave movies to pass the time. Total Recall at the moment. Next, Beautiful Mind I think…  The sounds of someone opening my bedroom door makes me hot, makes me want to scream in anger. So I hide here, to protect those I love. I will look back one day and mourn the days I lost with them due to this disorder. I never asked for this. There is no cure…. Still, I must hold myself responsible for my actions, and my words, regardless of my feelings, which I do not own. I do not claim them. They are forced upon me by some unknown, random, break in chemicals in my mind. This rollercoaster has no beginning, no end, it is infinite. As am I.



{March 28, 2013}   Bad day…

Been in bed all day. So tired, apathetic. No energy, mental or otherwise. Bored with myself, with life. Just want to sleep…



{March 27, 2013}   Red day…

I’m having a red day. I feel like I am going to explode. Tons of energy that can only be used negatively. I’ve never hurt anyone physically in my life. I don’t even spank my kids. But right now the best thing that could happen to me is to have an intruder enter my house so I could commit Justifiable Homicide with my bare hands.  Bring it on…



{March 26, 2013}   Help me people!

I’m stressing about my “about” page.  How do I describe myself when half the time I don’t know who I am? I don’t know which personality I’ve slipped into on any given day. I don’t know if my thoughts and feelings are really my own. At times, the past controls me completely and I become that little girl, that teenager, that young woman. Is that me in that moment? All of it added together makes me I guess… but still the question lies unanswered. Who am I?



et cetera